I have learned several important lessons through the years about arguing… you very seldom win!
For some reason, some of us are so sure we are right in any given situation, we are willing to go “down with the ship” to make our point. As a young man, I wore my Mom out with my arguing. Finally, my Dad gave me a choice, stop arguing or move out. I chose to work on the arguing, and started to keep my frustration inside. Only later in life did I realize I wasn t as smart as I thought I was. Some young people however, can t stop.
Sometimes, an arguer has more problems than just “knowing” they are right all of the time. A common diagnosis today for the “arguer” is known as “Oppositional Defiant Disorder.” One in ten young people suffer from this disorder. Its causes are largely unknown, but it is often accompanied with ADD or ADHD. A young person suffering from this ailment cannot be reasoned with, it is impossible! Talking just doesn t work, nor does punishment… why? Because you are punishing them for something that in their mind isn t wrong. They really see themselves in the right and the as victim, therefore, the punishment only makes them more rebellious and or angry.
We have a young man at Arivaca Boys Ranch that I will call John (not real name.) John is convinced that he was brought to the ranch unjustly. He admits he has had problems and that he needs to work on things (he focuses mostly on behaviors like staying out after curfew, smoking, and lying.) He knows however, that his problems can be best fixed at home, with family and friends, and not at a ranch with strangers. Many a staff member has had his ear bent for an hour or more about the unjustness of John s presence at the ranch, and all the “reasons” he can work out his problems at home. Any effort the help him understand the reason his parents sent him to the ranch fall on deaf ears. In fact, the counter arguments create frustration and anger because they are perceived to be so “off base” by John. John becomes a broken record, going around and around with his reasoning and attempts to be understood. After an hour, the ranch staffer knows exactly why John s parents brought him to Arivaca Boys Ranch - they were at the end of their wits trying to help their son.
So how do you help John when reasoning and communication DON T WORK?
Equine Therapy… a powerful tool.
