Arivaca Ranch

I have learned several important lessons through the years about arguing… you very seldom win!

 

For some reason, some of us are so sure we are right in any given situation, we are willing to go “down with the ship” to make our point. As a young man, I wore my Mom out with my arguing. Finally, my Dad gave me a choice, stop arguing or move out. I chose to work on the arguing, and started to keep my frustration inside. Only later in life did I realize I wasn t as smart as I thought I was. Some young people however, can t stop.

 

Sometimes, an arguer has more problems than just “knowing” they are right all of the time. A common diagnosis today for the “arguer” is known as “Oppositional Defiant Disorder.” One in ten young people suffer from this disorder. Its causes are largely unknown, but it is often accompanied with ADD or ADHD. A young person suffering from this ailment cannot be reasoned with, it is impossible! Talking just doesn t work, nor does punishment… why? Because you are punishing them for something that in their mind isn t wrong. They really see themselves in the right and the as victim, therefore, the punishment only makes them more rebellious and or angry.

 

We have a young man at Arivaca Boys Ranch that I will call John (not real name.) John is convinced that he was brought to the ranch unjustly. He admits he has had problems and that he needs to work on things (he focuses mostly on behaviors like staying out after curfew, smoking, and lying.) He knows however, that his problems can be best fixed at home, with family and friends, and not at a ranch with strangers. Many a staff member has had his ear bent for an hour or more about the unjustness of John s presence at the ranch, and all the “reasons” he can work out his problems at home. Any effort the help him understand the reason his parents sent him to the ranch fall on deaf ears. In fact, the counter arguments create frustration and anger because they are perceived to be so “off base” by John. John becomes a broken record, going around and around with his reasoning and attempts to be understood. After an hour, the ranch staffer  knows exactly why John s parents brought him to Arivaca Boys Ranch - they were at the end of their wits trying to help their son.

 

So how do you help John when reasoning and communication DON T WORK?

 

Equine Therapy… a powerful tool.

 

I selected a particularly stubborn and difficult horse and explained to John that I had found the perfect horse for him. I wanted him to work with this horse for a couple of days and eventually train her as part of our program. The horses name was “Jamakamecrazy.”  He was excited to have an assignment and loved the name! We call her Jamaka for short and sometimes Crazy.

 

The two hour  exercise is spread over two days and is called flagging. We put a plastic bag on the end of a three foot stick and enter a small stall with the horse. The horse s natural instinct is to keep her rear towards the enemy. In this case the enemy is me and the scary bag on the end of my stick. As I shake the stick, the plastic bag scares the horse who looks for escape. She paces around the stall and at times even kicks at me and my bag. John watches this for several minutes and exclaims, “I not getting in there with that crazy horse, she ll kill me.”

 

I ask John what he sees. “I see a horse that wants to escape.” I ask, “Why does she want to escape?” “Because she is scared of you” he replies. “But I am not going to hurt her, I want to help her.” John says, “She obviously doesn t know that, she believes otherwise. She might kill you if you aren t careful.” “But I am not going to hurt her. In fact, I am the one who offers her safety and peace.” “Well, she doesn t believe that for a second, she wants away from you.” “John, tell her I won t hurt her… make her understand I am her friend.” I continue to shake the bag in her direction and she is about ready to scale the fence trying to get out of the stall.

“You know what, you are as crazy as she is if you think she is gonna believe that.” “John, trade places with me and convince her we won t hurt her.” “No way, I ain t getting in there with her.”

 

In a few minutes something starts to happen. Each time I quit shaking the bag, the horse turns to face me to see what is going on. As she faces me, I quickly drop the end of the stick the bag was attached to, toward the ground. As she looks back to the fence to find a way out, I start shaking the bag again. After a couple repetitions of this exercise, she figures out that if she looks at me the bag will go away. Eventually, she starts to turn in my direction and face me, and the bag disappears behind me. If she starts to move away from me the bag (the monster) appears again! In about 10 minutes I am able to pet her and comfort her with soft words. If she turns away, out comes the “monster.”

 

At this point I convince John to take my place. He is a little nervous, but sees the horse is not pacing and being crazy, so he risks entering the stall. He picks up where I left off, duplicating the process I have started. At one point he is petting the horse and I ask him to step away from her. He takes two big steps back. She just stares at him. “Now,” I say, “lift the flag to the side of her.” As he does, the mare steps two steps towards him not towards the outer fence. “Oh my gosh, did you see that!” he says, “she is coming to me.” “Why?” I ask.

“I don t know.” “It s because you are the safety zone, the escape from the monster bag.”

 

We continue for another 15 minutes. By then the mare is following him around the stall, calm as can be. “Now, tomorrow John, I want you to repeat the process and get her to lay her head on your shoulder like your girlfriend.” “You gotta be kidding, that will never happen,” he replies. “You watch and see,” I say.

 

Sure enough, the next day within 20 minutes Jamakamecrazy is following him around and laying her head on his shoulder. John is ecstatic. His emotions are overwhelmed. He cannot believe that this horse has gone from wanting to kill him to wanting to be with him. He won t stop talking about it, the miracle of change he witnessed. He decides to rename the mare to something more appropriate for his new best friend. “Sure, go ahead and pick a name for her.”

 

“John,” I ventured, “in another month you will be riding this horse in those hills. She will be your willing partner. She will look to you for leadership and safety. She will trust you, even when her brain tells her to be afraid and run. How can this be?” John can t answer the question– yet.

 

“John, I want you to think about the process we experienced the last two days. This horse is you, she is your twin sister. She didn t trust anyone, and she knew the truth about everything. But something changed, why? I want to you write me a few paragraphs about what you saw and felt, and more importantly, what do you think the whole experience had to do with you and your relationship with your parents? Will you do that for me?” He said he will…

 

I will forward his response when I get it…

 

Now this is Equine Therapy!

 

John’s response:

 

  If I were the horse, and my parents were me, the flag would be rules and restrictions. I don’t like the feeling of being held back or contained. I like to be free. To choose what I want to do and not be restricted. I realize now that if I want more freedom, I need to gain trust. If I begin to be trustworthy and show that I have integrity, my parents will lower the flag and release the pressure. I will be trusted by my parents and as a result, I will have more freedom.

 

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 26th, 2009 at 9:31 am and is filed under Stories from the Ranch, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.