A Troubled Teenager Is "Different" to Handle

Your troubled teenager doesn't always want to hear from you. It's true! But, you may have already found that out. Parenting isn't easy even in the best of circumstances, but often we do things as parents that actually make our situations worse. We think we are doing the right thing, but sometimes what is needed is not the intuitive response, unless you've been specifically trained to handle defiant teens. In short, normal parenting instincts will fail you in conflict situations. You must find new ways to communicate.

1. Take the Challenge to Improve Your Listening Skills

• Listening is the first and most important parenting skill.
• Sometimes saying little or nothing is the best action.

A troubled teenager seems to bring nothing into the home but problems and aggravation. What parents often don't realize when teens are willing to discuss something, they often just want parents to listen, and not try to fix things. Teens generally are not looking for immediate solutions to what is troubling them; they just want to be heard. A good practice is to listen well, and only offer advice when they are ready to ask for it. Quiet listening, and taking turns in a conversation, is a modeled behavior just as yelling and talking over one another is a modeled behavior. The more you practice it, the more you will like the results.

2. Practice positive parenting skills

• Switch your focus to the positive and away from the negative.
• Make comments using positive words by reversing as you speak.

Easy to say but hard to do, parents find it becomes easier with practice. For example, a simple change from responding loudly to your son's yelling, to responding as quietly and succinctly as you can. The absence of yelling back and forth changes the dynamics of conversations. Over time, those loud, angry conversations will usually change to a more adult way of communicating.

3. Switch to Positive Expressions in All Things

• Compliment good and appropriate behavior.
• Compliment on actions that show the absence of bad behavior.

Practice shifting to positive sentences. Eventually you will be able to help your teenager practice shifting to the positive, as well. For example, stop talking about how bad a behavior is when it is present; look for opportunities to say how good it is when a bad behavior is absent.

4. Watch the Criticism - It Erodes Relationships Fast

• Watch for consistent triggers that start criticism and avoid commenting at those times.
• Stop asking questions that don't have clear answers.

What doesn't seem like consistent behavior on your part often looks like a harsh pattern to your teenager. If you find yourself always questioning after certain behaviors, you should know your teenagers have already recognized it as nagging. Don't ask questions that have no clear answers. You'll never get an answer because there isn't one. Unanswerable questions are a waste of breath and further irritate the situation. "What were you thinking?" is probably one of the most commonly asked non-answerable questions.

5. Give Room for Some Inappropriate Emotions and Lack of Explanations

• Realize adolescents do not possess a full emotional spectrum.
• Understand adolescents have less capacity for language and explanation than adults.

It is difficult for teens to express emotions other than "happy" and "anger." Teenagers have difficulty putting into words what is going through their heads; they simply lack the language capacity. Learn to read between the lines in positive ways. As an adult, you should be able to tell when adolescent anger is being substituted for frustration, confusion or grief.

6. Don't Drone On or Repeat When There's Only One Thing to Say

• Make your statement in as few words as possible, and then stop.
• Stop going over the same ground time and again.

You diminish the effectiveness of what you want to communicate when you keep venting. The less you speak the better as your excess words feed the fire in your teenager. Promise yourself right now to stop the lectures, stop using clichés and stop making threatening remarks about his future. Be open to more positive alternatives. Do you ever hear your father's or mother's voice in your head when you talk to your child? That's not a good sign.

7. Stop Harping on Expressions of Individuality

• Teenagers express individuality like everyone else - only differently.
• Never place a label on your teenager.

 Expect your teenager to find ways to show you his individuality. They really don't matter! Teenagers, especially a defiant teen, have odd ways of trying to express their individuality. No matter how crazy the hair or how goofy the makeup or clothes, it isn't worth another fight. Remember, adolescents are not that good at self-expression, so go easy. Cut some slack and avoid over-commenting on such displays. Instant rejection of individuality displays will harden the resolve and further irritate the parent/child relationship.

It is good to remember that expressions of dress, appearance or mannerisms are generally very minor issues. Concentrate on improving the well-being of your son and worry less about transient styles and appearances and what others might think. Most importantly of all, with regards to expressions of individuality, placing a label on your teenager is extremely destructive. Never do it.

When you have done all you can, there is help for troubled teenagers. You can let us help you fill in those blanks. That's why we are here - to help. The people at Arivaca Boys Ranch, a therapeutic boarding school, with experts in adolescent psychology, are highly successful at bringing about long-term behavioral changes. If you have questions about our programs, call our toll-free number, (877) 88-MYSON, and speak to one of our counselors. Tell us, "I need help for my troubled teen." We are here to help when help is needed.

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